I'm a panda in your den. ಠ_ಠ (hopelessosaka) wrote,
  • Mood:

I should delete this. I SHOULD DELETE THIS.

Pairing: America/England crack.
Warning: Lack of proper punctuations.
Setting/Timeline: Modern day.
Summary: "LET'S HAVE IKEA SEX!" said America to England excitedly.


I think I was initially going for "troll fic" but then realized my utter inability to not write in semi-proper syntactical form. Lo the day.

Also, I wrote this at 1 AM.

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America's super cool method of informing england of his sexual escapades.

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"LET'S HAVE IKEA SEX!" said America to England excitedly.

England spit half a mug of morning joe into America's face. Because it was morning. And he needed the joe. And America had it coming, pimping coffee as if the craze had been his to start with.

"WHAT," he replied. "Also, how did you get into my house again? WAS IT THE FAIRIES YOU PRETEND NOT TO SEE."

"NO. BUT THAT MAKES ME REALIZE A WICKEDLY AWESOME MINDBLOWING THEORY - " said America. "LIKE FAIRIES ARE ALIENS, MAYBE. Also, about the Ikea sex."

"Hypothesis." said England.

"Let us have it. And what," queried America.

"You were hypothesising, not theorising."

"Right," said America, "I was hypothesizing that Ikea sex involves unidentified foreign objects."

"Does that involve sticking pieces of wood together, by any chance?" England thereafter hesitantly piqued.

"YES," said America, "ALSO SUPERGLUE."

"ARE YOU TRYING TO RIP APART MY INNARDS MAN," replied England, horrified.

"THAT IS THE IDEA, YES," conceded America. "Also, it is painless."

"GOOD GOD HOW ABSOLUTELY NOVEL." said England. "Also, that is absolutely impossible."

"MERELY IN REALITY," declared America, "...not involving ten dimensions."

"YES, BLAST THOSE M-THEORISTS - " England agreed, for a moment. "Wait, what does that have to do with ANYTHING."

"'Like fairies are aliens maybe," America prodded, hopefully. "'...from another dimension?'"

"Well, since my Titania is suddenly wielding a laser gun at your face," acquiesced England. "I will momentarily agree with you for the lack of a better explanation."

"You'll momentarily agree to have physics-defying Ikea sex with me? That is AWESOME, England!" said America. "I promise to treat you exactly like cardboard! Just like Sweden taught me."

"Sweden...had sex with you?"

"Why, yes. Yes, he did."

America then turned around and marched right out of England's house -- still naked, disregarding the cowboy hat nestled snugly over his crotch.

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Insert joke by america involving matrix agents/men in black porn here, probably.

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* Ikea Erotica.

* String theory (eventually) originally stated that there were only 10 dimensions. M-theory declared that there were 11. And no, I have no idea what the hell happened in the end. Apparently, though, there must be 11 dimensions to make the math work.

* History of coffee in England. I learned this in like fifth grade and yet have never seen anyone make use of the fact in fanfiction. Why.

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Tags: fanfic: america/england, fanfic: anime, fanfic: crack, fanfic: hetalia, fanfic: yaoi, fanfiction
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